Toronto Raptors - Welcoming Lauri Markannen

[Brian Scalabrine]

   Lauri Markannen sat alone in a spinny office chair. Across him, a sleek and militant-seeming black desk. It looked carefully polished, and despite the fact that this was the desk of a busy D720 GM, it looked oddly... spotless. Not a single loose scouting report on the desk, not even a computer. All that sat upon the desk was a single, gold, shimmering plaque. Carefully etched in the plaque were the letters that made the enigma, in all caps,  "SCALABRINE". 

  "Seat yourself across from the desk, and be still. He will be with you when he wants to. Do not touch anything." is what the woman working in the lobby had told him, her eyes sharpening like daggers as she told him with authority not to touch anything. It seemed funny to him. After all, Scalabrine, the man who had drafted him, was the one who insisted on the appointment. Why wouldn't he want to see him? However, he brushed this thought off, attributing it to another "part of the business" that he was not yet accustomed to. Scalabrine, Lauri knew, was an important man. And he was thankful for the opportunity he'd been given by him. 

  It was then that Lauri began to feel disturbed. His senses became overwhelmed with this smell... No, a stench. He couldn't place exactly what it was, but it seemed bodily. He smelled himself. Was it him? After signing his contract, he'd splurged on a new cologne, maybe it was more offensive than he'd first realized. And just then, the door opened. 

  "Lauri. Hello." said the man. Behind him, side by side were two young men that Lauri recognized instantly--Thon Maker and Malcolm Brogdon. They walked with their hands behind their back, and their lips pursed tight. They did not look at Lauri, or the man, but stared straight forward. "This is Malcolm and Thon. We're excited to have you on our team, Lauri. We think you can bring a lot to the table. A shooting bigman with some tenacity is something we've wanted for a while now."

  Lauri smiled, "Well, thanks. I'm excited to work with all of you. I think you've built a terrific young team here, and I think I have a lot to learn. I'm excited to be in the same locker room as Meyers Leonard, since we kind of have similar playstyles--"

  "It's funny you bring that up--" said the man, as Malcolm and Thon took another step forward, now standing directly behind Lauri's chair, and continuing to face forward. The man took a long, indulgent sniff, and continued, "I think you can learn a lot from Meyers Leonard. You see, I really thought that Meyers could bring his game to the next level with us. Lots of players do, like Malcolm and Thon--"

  "Thank you, Master Scalabrine." the two players interrupted in perfectly rehearsed unison.

  The man continued without acknowledging them, "But Meyers... He just couldn't bring it. He couldn't step up when we needed him. He failed us. And so we've released him from the team."

  "Oh, well... I'm sure we have lots of guys who are ready to step up, I know I'm one of them!" Lauri retorted, hoping to cut through the palpable tension in the room.

  "That's what I like to hear. Lauri, I'd like to show you something." he moved toward his closet, now standing in front of the door, "You see Lauri... Sometimes things hold us back, restrain us. This is understandable. We all make mistakes." his tone sharpened, and became harshly serious, "but when you say you're ready to step up, and you can't execute, you hold back the whole team. And that has consequences. Do you understand?"

  Lauri felt a blanket of fear and anxiety slip over him. His dreams of what the NBA would be had been brought down to reality by the intimidating candor of the man. He squeaked out, "I... I think so."

  "Well, let's be certain." The man opened the closet door. As he did, the stench that Lauri had picked up earlier wafted throughout the room. Feces. The closet was dark and dank, but Lauri strained his eyes to look inside. What he saw horrified him. There, huddled in the corner and pale with fear was an emaciated, gagged, and bound Meyers Leonard. He whimpered.

  "I understand, I understand!" cried Lauri.

  "Well good, we're really, really excited to have you on the team. I think you're going to bring great things to Toronto. You could be a franchise player." He paused, then, "Malcolm, Thon, would you see Lauri out?" Without speaking, the two players grabbed Lauri by his shoulders, and escorted him gently to the doorway of the office. Just as they were nearly out, the man made one last request.

  "And, would you lock the door on your way out?"  

[Julius Erving]

The way they do basketball management up in Canada is REALLY messed up nowadays.